Broken & Songs

My grandpa passed away almost two years ago, and none of my family's lives have been the same. Holidays aren't the same. Watching movies for me isn't the same. None of it is the same. That's how loss works. Something—or someone—is subtracted and there's a void, usually it can never truly be filled by a substitute. 

I like to write songs, and I try to avoid writing them about my grandpa, because they make sad. Thoughts of "It's unfair" and "Why?" just repeat over and over sometimes. I don't obsess over it, but I do think about it. Honestly, I try not to think about the sadness. With anything that has left me, whether it be a person or something I used to be involved in, I only try to think of the happier memories. I don't like being sad, especially when nothing can be done about it except think of memories. 

I've written multiple songs about my grandpa, and I've included the first verse and the chorus for two of them below: 

Left Broken 

~verse 1~

I only have the photographs 

And sheet music in your guitar case 

I try to write in lengthy paragraphs 

With permanent ink so people won't erase 

Your legacy of kindness and compassion 

How you always welcomed people with open arms 

You always had the very best intentions 

And now you'll reside forever here in our hearts 

~chorus~

You left me without a reason 

You gave me little to no warning 

I thought you'd still be here by now 

But I'm just left with broken pieces 

Questions fly through my head as it spins 

Wondering how much time you would have had left 

If you only stayed here for some time longer 

Now I wonder, and I'm left broken

Come Back for Christmas 

~verse 1~

Your smile was brighter than any star

Made me believe that my dreams and I could go far 

I thought you were the best guy in the world 

Your presence was a gift, but you're not here anymore 

You lit up a whole room with just your laugh 

I'd trade anything for a few moments to go back 

When we didn't have to be so very sad 

I wanna go back, I wanna go . . . back 

~pre-chorus~ 

Never wanted to let go and say goodbye 

Stayed hopeful til the end, I tried not to cry 

You're all I could think about every day and night 

Didn't think this would happen to you and I 

~chorus~ 

Cause I

Loved you 

Yes I 

Love you 

My Christmas wish is for you to come back 

Even if it's just for a few minutes 

I know you'd come back if you could 

Just to say you love me . . . too 

I love you too 

~ ~ ~ 

Brokenness is something we all feel with different things and at different times. It can be big or small things, stuff we find important to us, and it's okay to be upset when it's gone. It doesn't have to seem critically important to everyone else for it to be important to you. God has you through all of it. It's okay to be sad, angry, upset, and confused. We're human and God designed us with those emotions. It helps us to process things emotionally. He can comfort you and guide you through any circumstance. 

I always have to repeat words to myself like "It's okay" and "You're gonna be okay" because I have faith and I know I will be okay, but it will forever and always hurt. This was my first big loss in my life and I never knew how truly hard it would be. I get sad and worried when any of my grandparents have been in the hospital with medical scares, but I never estimated that it would be this hard and this sudden. I didn't have long to process it and I always had faith that everything would be okay. Jesus makes everything okay and I've had to really trust that. I've trusted Him with a bunch of little things and some bigger, but never over the loss of a person yet and it was hard and still unbelievable. It kind of feels like I'm still waiting for my grandpa to come back from a trip or something, even though it's been almost two years. 

Jesus can hold you through anything, even if the storm of hurt tries to pull you away or doubt that you'll be okay. 

~The Inspired One