BLACK OUT (Trypanophobia)

Trigger Warning: needles, blood, passing out, dental work, spiders 

Dizziness
Loss of hearing
Tunnel vision
Resist the feeling

BLACK OUT

passed out...

Needles and blood
Wish for them to shut up
My breathing feels heavy 
And nothing feels steady

BLACK OUT

passed out...

I've wished for this to go away 
I'd pay a lot for it to one day
Not sure if it will, as it probably won't
I'll continue to pray, not in this alone

Don't want to pass out 
And end up on the ground
I've been there before
Don't want to meet the floor

...again

My temp continues to rise
I try not to feel like I'm gonna die
So I desperately look for an escape 
Repeat to myself "You're okay, you're okay..." 

"You're okay, you're okay..."

"It's all in your head," they all say
I know... but that doesn't make it go away
They think it's the typical childhood fear
But they haven't dealt with it for twenty years 

I've faced many fears over my life 
But this is the one that drives in the knife 
I can't do it, I can't win, like I have no choice
They stick the needle in my skin, trust my inner voice

God knows I'll do whatever to fix my health 
Things are a breeze once I get through my own hell
I've learned to advocate on top of pushing through 
Just cause I'm this way, my concerns shouldn't be invalid to you

Some people do care, tell myself "You're okay.
It's never killed you, just made you feel a certain way"
Trust me, I've tried to convince myself that I'm fine 
But until you have this happen, you don't know what it's like

Is this how God wired my brain? 
Or when I was little did it get changed? 
And when I do wake up again
I tell people "I know what happened"

Because I BLACK OUT

passed out...

I've prayed so much throughout my life 
Want this to disappear over night 
Cause, unfortunately, this stuff happens 
It's one of the reasons I love Matthew 6:27 

"Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?"
It replays as my anxiety starts to build and rise 
I just want God to take this away...
So I pray, and I pray, and I pray, and I pray... 

So until you have something out of your control 
That physically holds you in a jail cell of your own 
Do not pretend you know what you're talking about
Trust me, I've lived it, I've looked for escape routes 

Still, on my way to get dental work done early in the day 
You can catch me being thankful, worshiping, and pray
So while I go through life with this condition and its triggers 
I'll always look to my God who is faithful and much bigger.

~ ~ ~ 

I have decided to publish this at the time my dental appointment begins to get a cavity filled. At the moment of publication, I will be full of anxiety and about to deal with one of my biggest fears. Even though I wrote this poem months ago, I finished this post about a week before my dental appointment, and I thought it was quite fitting to share it when I was actively dealing with it. 

I have trypanophobia (phobia of medical needles/blood) and vasovagal syncope (a condition where I have physical reactions such as getting, dizzy, passing out, etc.). It was actually very hard for me to write this because of the topic, but I wanted to put it in perspective for someone who doesn't understand this. My whole life, because of this, I have taken people's fears so much more seriously than others might. I have pushed through many fears, big and small, throughout my life, so I'm not just a scaredy cat, but this one... it's very different. 

It's been this way for like twenty years. I have tried different things to try to make it better, but I think my brain was re-wired this way from a young age when I passed out the first time. My brain went through some sort of trauma and it has impacted me for the rest of my life so far. I've tried to get as far as I can when random medical-related videos pop up online, and I try to push myself to watch past the point of being uncomfortable in an attempt to slowly desensitize myself. This has not come even close to solving this issue, but I do believe it has helped a little bit. I've also prayed so much throughout my life for this to go away. It's scary and I don't want to live forever excusing myself to go to the bathroom/get a drink/etc. for 10 minutes because of someone's conversation. I also don't want to control conversations because that isn't far, and people should feel free to talk about whatever they want. But... it's made me pass out before, and I have to protect myself and leave the room. 

I have passed out over five times in my life (might be closer to ten now) mostly from people just talking about blood/needles/medical stuff. I can't even count the amount of times loss of hearing or tunnel vision has started, which happen very closely to passing out. From my experience, when I've told people I've passed out from hearing this stuff, they immediately continue to talk about it. And maybe I didn't sound serious enough? But that shouldn't matter. So, in the future I'm going to say I have a condition, and maybe they'll listen. It's really hard to stop someone from talking because I don't want to get to the point of passing out or feeling the need to lay down. It feels really rude to stop them because what they're saying isn't objectively bad at all, my brain just can't handle it and they don't know my triggers, which is no fault of their own. Even when they say, "I won't go into too much detail because she's here," but then continues to go into full detail, they aren't aware what things should be censored.

Now, I have learned how best to protect myself. When someone asks if I want to hear a story or see a picture about something medical, I just casually pass on it and maybe make a comment like, "Yeah, I'm sure that was scary!" or whatever applies. Cause I do care, I just don't want to hear or see it! People don't know what exactly triggers me to downward spiral, so, understandably, they can't censor their story properly to make me comfortable. My husband has previously donated plasma, and he's just said, "Going to my appointment," and doesn't tell me any details. Just how I like it. He's the only person I know who can 100% make me comfortable when talking about a medical scenario. He seems to just let me take the reigns on if I want a conversation to go into more detail. He's extremely protective of me when it comes to this stuff. When we watch movies, TV shows, or even have conversations that include medical stuff, he'll always check in on me and ask if it's too much, and if it is, we skip it. Even when I do excuse myself from a conversation, he'll text me when people are done. And I'm really glad God sent me a husband who protects me from passing out. He's seen me do it twice, and I can only imagine how scary that is to witness. The first time, he didn't know it could happen. The second time, he knew, and caught my head before it hit the corner or edge of a table. All I could get out before the second incident was "I don't feel good" and I was out immediately after that. That's why I take it so seriously to protect myself. 

I've also learned how to get through getting numbed up for dental work. I've told them about it a little bit, and they're so accommodating, and they'll open windows, offer ice packs, try to make it lighthearted, and tell me no details about the numbing process and only progress updates. Once I spoke up for myself, I felt much safer and cared for. It was my childhood dentist, but even as an adult living elsewhere, I'll still happily drive 35-40 minutes to go here. But I also try to put in as much effort as I can. Even though I'm too nervous to eat, I try to eat and drink apple juice. I bring a handheld fan to keep me cool during the numbing. I have music that's upbeat enough to drown out sounds but also distracting enough. I make sure to get laughing gas, which only makes me calmer and I almost want to sleep through the drilling. I don't just expect accommodations, I do everything I can for myself. I even have an instant ice pack in the car and a drink. I have to take the whole day off of work for dental appointments, but it is what it is! 

While this world doesn't have to cater to every little, tiny thing, I just think it's really important to care about others, especially when they can't control if they're going to pass out or have a panic attack or something. I wish everything had trigger warnings, like videos in the description or books in their description before buying. My brain feels so chaotic when something triggers me and I have no control of the situation. It makes me feel dizzy, and there have been times I've had to blurt out "I don't feel good" in the middle of a group conversation because I couldn't handle it anymore, and this was after they made the comment they'd be careful because I was there. If I do randomly blurt this out, it means it went too far and the next steps were me passing out soon. I've gotten better at not just sitting through stories, and my husband understands what's happening the second I get up and leave the room. I need time alone to distract my brain and get back to normal. I'll literally sing a song in my head or whisper it to myself because all that replays in my mind is the medical stuff people talked about. I quickly try to watch videos online and just change the channel in my brain. It's very hard to snap out of it. 

And, if you know me, I am not currently and have never been upset at anyone for this. I'm very aware that it's a me problem. Just try avoid the medical stuff altogether, if possible. A lot of people do this stuff unintentionally. Just a basic name of a procedure or something like that is enough detail for me. It's not just some silly childhood fear like most think it is, it's much worse than that. I truly wish it was just a childhood fear, because those are easier to get through. I can kill a spider, yet they really gross me out and I'll scream and sound like a five-year-old while killing them. I even have a bug zapper with an extender for ceiling spiders. I cannot be stranded at home alone while my husband is gone if there's a spider on the ceiling. 

Interestingly, just a couple days after I wrote most of this, my mom and I actually talked about this, and it's important to talk to your family members and friends about issues like this. While I think I do remember waking up from the first time I passed out, the second time I passed out is seared in my brain. I kept feeling dizzy in a hospital and couldn't be held because one of my little brothers was there and needed to be held. Then I fell over and my dad (who was about to have surgery and was in the hospital bed) said it sounded like a bowling ball hit the floor. I remember almost every single part of this night that I was conscious for. Over the years, I briefly mentioned this condition as just being scared and feeling nervous for dental work, but no one really took it that seriously until I was able to really talk about it after researching what could have possibly been wrong with me... Even though I had passed out multiple times as a child. Everyone told me it was normal and I'd probably get over my fear, but I guess I just didn't communicate clearly enough how dizzy I was getting and how much this was hitting me like a bus full of symptoms. 

So, please be careful when people tell you things like this. And if you have any issues, please tell others and make sure they know the severity. God cares about things we consider "big deals" and "small hills" in our lives. For many, this is small, for me, it's big. God cares. He doesn't want me to feel so incredibly anxious. I'm sure He's glad I always thank Him for the ability to get my teeth taken care of and fixed. I'm always thankful to God when I deal with something is good for me even though it gives me anxiety. 

BLACK OUT