Dear Myself In 2018

Dear Myself In 2018, 

I know you're probably so focused on high school after-school activities, like tennis, theater, and youth group. Not to mention just simply figuring out life and the world around you. But those adult life things that you dream of, God hands them all to you, and he either hands each of them to you slowly or within a blink. Some things will break your heart in your life, like crushes and losing grandparents, but time will mend those. Besides grief, things that used to make you cry don't even bother you anymore. I know you wouldn't believe me if I said it to your face, but you became friends with that guy who crushed your heart, you don't care what some people say who used to say horrible things, and you aren't embarrassed to stick to being yourself. 

You're such a hopeless romantic at heart and are probably reading some book with a love story thread somewhere in there. Yes, you get married and have the wedding of your dreams. It was perfect. The honeymoon was a dream, too. The husband is great, I promise you everything that he's so worth the wait. None of the silly little crushes ever lasted, but if you wanna have crushes for fun, go for it. They won't last. You have an apartment that is practically from a Pinterest board. You got to see your favorite singer live, seven rows right in front of you. 

You somehow, someway got everything you've wanted... I wonder who would have done that for you... Your parents have supported you through every dream and hobby you've had, and they continue to support you. And they always will. 

I'm sure you think life is difficult where you're at right now (and I know it's super stressful, emotional, and, honestly, dramatic at times), but someday you'll look back and see just how easy you had it. Sure, college in high school was tough when you mostly only took classes that you weren't interested in, but someday you'll take classes on campus at that very same school and you'll thrive. 

You'll learn how to deal with grief. And you'll still not understand it and hate it and wish some things never happened to people who didn't deserve it. And it makes you feel heartbroken, angry, and every single thing in between. Your future husband doesn't understand this pain yet, but he'll be one of the people who comfort you. I know you tried not to break down in front of your parents, even when they delivered the heartbreaking news each time, because you wanted to be strong for them. They were hurting far, far worse than you were. They needed support more than you did. Looking back, I can see how that wasn't healthy for you, but I ultimately think you did the right thing. You still cried alone, and processed it through writing (literally I think it was a day after your first family death, you wrote The Man Playing Guitar). I like to say that grief hits me in waves. There are times I can talk about these lovely family members without tearing up, and other times something will remind me of them and I can't handle it. Sometimes driving past a cemetery will do nothing to my brain, but other times it brings me to a place of sadness. 

On another note, you will get to do a job that you wouldn't have really expected yourself to be in at the stage of life you're at right now. You're probably thinking, "Oh, I'll be a writer or editor someday." While this could very well still be true, it's not exactly what I'm doing. I work in communications and I really love having different types of projects. I make magazines, I put on events (my least favorite part, honestly), I edit articles (my favorite part), and a do website design. You'll learn that you love doing different parts of communication, and you'll be so glad you took all those different classes in college that you aren't even taken yet. 

You will learn to put yourself first when you need to. You're such a people pleaser that saying "no" isn't really even in your vocabulary at times when you really need it to be. I'm so proud of you because you become stronger and more independent. You learned to say "no." You still love to help and oftentimes do, but you understand the necessary balance in order to not lose yourself to other people. Now, your future husband on the other hand, he's very much a people pleaser, but only because he loves to help people. You're helping him discover to put himself first when he truly needs to, because you used to be in his shoes, and you know it's healthier on the other side. 

You become more extroverted, believe it or not. Well, you learn how to be extroverted when you need to be. Yes, you still hate phone calls, presentations, and silly things like that. But you became a person who appears mostly extroverted with some introverted tendencies to those around you in public spaces. Now, the people closer to you, they know you very, very well. You will always be an introvert to them. Some friends you've made were in your wedding, and they'll always be there for you. 

You have done a lot of maturing, especially since 2019/2020 when you started going to college on campus. You're going to do extremely well, and it'll be one of the best experiences of your life for many, many reasons. 

You've grown a lot as a person since 2018. I wouldn't really even consider us to be the same person. Our hearts and cores are the same, but we're very different. In the very best way. 

Oh, and you got to see Hamilton live (in 2023) with Mom, finally!! She kept her promise! I'm pretty sure you discovered that between 2016-2018ish? 

The most important update: you still love Jesus. 

Thanks for always being you. 

Love, 

Your Future Self

~ ~ ~ 

I was looking through The Inspired One drafts (after posting Happily Ever After) and found part of a letter written to myself in 2022, I think, and I thought it would be a good idea to rewrite it, and write a letter to my younger self now that I have a bunch of things I've wanted in life. It's fun to write to your past self sometimes.