Drug

A drug of hopelessness, anger, and tears

It drug me in and made me afraid of fear

I have nothing to lose but also nothing to gain

It stabbed me countless times, grew numb to the pain

Laughter was nothing but a band-aid 

I turned away so they wouldn't see my smile fade 

So I turned to writing as some sort of cure

My own secret happy place, where no one could lure

Answers out of me, just let it run its course

No smiles, laughing, or small talk were forced 

I was known for always being so happy 

Even if my life was a living bad dream 

Crying became a hobby of mine

I was just a girl trying to survive 

How many times a day did I cry? 

I don't know, I lost track of time

"Give me a break" 

"Let me have a bad day" 

A perfection complex 

My thoughts were complex

I left the little nest 

I tried to do my best

But that didn't fix me

Nothing could fix me 

I had distractions, that was the best I could do

The writing helped me process all the lies and truth 

I lied through apologies to get it over with 

I regret doing that, but I did what I did

Another dark wave hit me in November

It was all a blur, I hardly remember 

I had so much to do but such little time 

Maybe that's what kept me out of my dark mind 

I told only him that I couldn't get out of bed

No motivation, just me and my dread

He said if I needed a day to rest, that's okay

I could see him another day 

But that would never help

Cause I needed distraction 

From my tired self 

Tired of this same reaction

To the drug that had control over me 

In the darkest of days, I wanted to be free

And I told no one else, let them think I was rude

I really regret that, but it's what I thought I had to do

Cause my feelings felt only valid in my mind

Told me I was wrong even with evidence for their crimes

So I let them pin whatever they wanted on me

I took the blame, told myself not to talk, I wasn't free

And now looking back, I'll never do it again

I can't be locked in my mind's cage of pretend

You might hear me laugh and make jokes about it now 

But it's purely sarcasm, cause I hated how 

The drug goes deep into your veins, to your heart

It creates battles in your mind to tear you a part

Depression's a drug you want nothing more to quit

But it sticks around 'til you grow weak and sick 

But who am I to talk? I'm always known to be happy

I'm "too nice" to have gone through this. They say, "Exactly" 

Everyone's scars are so different, some on arms and in minds

I'm happy to say I made it to the other side 

It's a drug that slithers its way into your drink

You're poisoned, and it tells you what to think

Think about sadness, think about death 

Hide all your emotions, think about your last breath 

You overdosed? 

"Oops, oh no" 

The snake attacks

Fail to fight back

You wouldn't even notice this type of change

You're happy then notice you're not one day

And no one would ever guess you've been through this

But you've grown even stronger, even if only you knew this

Enter into recovery from this horrible drug 

After a seasonal relapse, swept it under the rug 

No one had to know until many years after

Make jokes about it, sure, cover it up with laughter

~ ~ ~ 

It's the year 2020 and we're all trapped inside. I, like many others across the globe, don't remember it too fondly. I was depressed for the first time in my life (besides the typical teenager phases). I was aching for freedom, but even that didn't fix me when I finally got what I wanted. It was brutal. Depression is the drug that you take everyday without knowing it until you feel like you somehow overdosed one day and realize you're now stuck in it, and have to continue fighting through it until you find a cure. I remember being painted as the bad guy in situations when I knew for certain I wasn't, but I'd take the blame, apologize, and move on. You couldn't catch me doing that today. I was in college when the world shut down. That spring, I remember getting an email from the dean saying I was on the Dean's List of Highest Honors (the highest level of the dean's list). I was taking new skills courses I had never done before (graphic design and sound design) and it was some of the hardest classes I had ever taken. But yet I did so well? Probably because it was one of the only few things to keep my mind busy. 

Now, even though this was a very dark patch in my life, I would still say I've had a very happy life. I laugh through my teeth about the depression now. I just wish it had never happened. I just know I'll do whatever it takes to never go back to that. And most people have no clue, and wouldn't have had a clue at the time, that my mind was so pitch-black dark. 

God made me realize that no matter what I did, only He could bring me out of the darkness of the drug that is depression. I'm not exactly sure when it went away, but I know it started in the spring of 2020 (March or April), it dipped back down in November 2020, and it eventually went away in December 2020 or January 2021. 

You don't want to end up like many do in depression: you're happy then notice you're not one day. 

Lean on God whenever possible, and if you do end up feeling like you're in a dark place, whether it's for a moment or for a while, just know that God can get you out of there. 

~ The Inspired One