Resolved

On Sunday, my husband and I went to church, and the message was all about forgiving people. About two days prior, on Friday, I was on the phone with my mom talking about a current situation I am trying to navigate, and she mentioned how you need to forgive people. So, when I sat down in church and heard what the message was about, I mentally made the face of "Of course they're talking about this right now!" This wasn't a coincidence. God doesn't really do coincidences. 

To be honest, in my heart, I don't want to forgive this person yet. I know I will someday, but I haven't really had positive interactions with them to ease the pain or even the annoyance of when I see them. I feel like I still need a little time of recovery in order to process this person, and then.. I don't know. I just know it's between me and God, and sometimes things need time, and this feels like it does. 

In the past, I dealt with a very similar person, and even though they hurt me, I have completely gotten over everything they've ever done or said. I've had positive interactions with them since and it makes me see that they do have good parts to them. I remember talking to my mom one day and I said something along the lines of, "[person's name] can't hurt me anymore, no matter what [they] say or do," and it was one of the most freeing feelings in the world. This person was mean to me for a long time and the fact that I am completely over it now, says a lot. Back when they were rude and I would cower, I thought they'd forever have this power over me, but now they don't and I'm strong enough to stand up for myself. 

Because of that scenario, my brain wants to go the same route because the steps that I eventually took kept my heart safe in the end (something I always wanted to do but could never truly prioritize). It is no longer this battle of them being rude and me going through this emotional battle in front of them and/or behind the scenes. I have a soft heart that has been hurt by them countless times. With this "new" situation, I know that I need to do something similar but still very different. I can't let it go on and give a million chances, because there is no excuse this time. I haven't really had many positive interactions with this person, even though I've been kind. I'm skipping the years of torture in my heart and being strong from the start, and this person doesn't like it. But it's what I need to do. 

It's easy to say, "Just forgive" when you aren't going through it. although it should be easier to do. It's hard to forgive when they're actively against you and never give a true rest period by just being kind one time. I think I need time to let it cool down, stand up for myself every time this person does something rude so it's not stirring inside me of what I could've said, and if it works the same as my previous situation, then it'll all work out. 

I just wanted to share how you think you know what you're doing one way, even if other people tell you it might be best to go about a different direction, and then God can literally put it in your face and say, "You really should do this!" Funny how He works, huh? 

It's a tricky tightrope to balance on, especially when they're continuously rude. I think when I first met them, I thought these rude things would be rare and I had to slowly learn overtime that it's who they are. Then they made it obvious how self-centered and rude they are, and I had to battle it knowing none of it is out of character. Now I'm trying to navigate it in a different way. So, it's been all these things happening one after the other, and I'm just trying not to care anymore. I am choosing not to go through the same heartbreak like I did with the first situation. 

I am in the process of having this situation resolved. God will get me there. And He will get this person to treat me with respect someday, and, if they don't, God will get me to the point of not caring anymore. 

~ ~ ~ 

My mom is so amazing with advice, and while he was right in this scenario, and God chose to literally prove that to me, I am not a perfect human, and the forgiveness is a process. Less time being forced to be around them, time passing, and choosing to let God help me forgive them while still being strong and protecting myself. 

~ The Inspired One